Rick's Daily Journal

+3 am.....Am so exhausted....could not get out of a dream last night...everytime I got up and went and laid back down I was in the dream....I was even in the dream when I was walking around....something to do with trying to find a set of coveralls....bizarre.....next scene me at the shrinks office...."ah yes doc I am having these horrible dreams of not being able to find my coveralls could this really mean I am foretelling the ultimate doom of earth as we know it".....was at a meeting last night and was surprised at the number of people that are on psychotropic drugs.....a few were on them for what they said were symptoms of depression but a far greater number were on them for not being able to deal with the trivialities of life.....but hey let me not be the judge, just seems like the medical community is way to liberal with their prescriptions......John cooked a great dinner last night, only thing is he does not serve gravy with mashed potatoes....think I will make Italian chicken for supper tonight....have restocked the freezer to the top again, with a abundance of chicken that was on sale.....next project growing mushrooms.....fridays are always so special

-3 Am.....Had plans to do a lot yesterday but just seemed to get nothing done....Jon once again came to my rescue on computer related issues.....one of the Criminals came over to the house and then refused to go home after several hours.....Robin took care of that problem while I ran to the store....no running of the dogs for two days now.....today I have to read meters and am dreading it as the snow is much deeper than last month.....dad brought the horse trailer in from Canada yesterday for what I do not know...days outdoors are pleasant......

+3 Am..........Listening to Paul Harvey as I type .....I just never seem to catch it right during the day....no soapbox writing today.....warming up nicely during the days now....was almost 20 above yesterday...ice sculptures going up all over town at businesses and public buildings.....some very talented artists in town for the contest next month watched them harvesting ice out of a pond yesterday looks like about 40 inch thick blocks....following the Quest in the news and on the tube every day next month is the Iditarod with almost 90 teams signed up....and of course what would winter be without the Fur Rondy ..and lastly our very own winter carnival....calling this my way too many link day......feeling a deep sense of loss of a friend

-4 PM....I just love dogs....I take my dogs next door many times during the day to Rainees yard to intermingle with her dogs and each time they go over, there is this big howling, barking and sniffing celebration like they have not seen each other for ten years.....they are not worried about their political views, how the other dogs looks, what the other dog has been doing etc, they are just glad to see each other for the simple sake that they have not seen the other dogs for fifteen minutes....if only humanity could be so basic.....Rainees computer has had a malfunction....the word for today is backup....after losing data in the past I am a man of backup.....probably could be better about it but at least I have made some backups although not on a daily basis.....glad I have a son that is a genius in all things of the modern world.....especially computers.....well maybe not vehicles or the trades but things of the mind....getting more light each day now.....this is the great time of winter when you can enjoy outdoor activities and not be in the dark all the time....for some reason I like it when it is dark.....my mental state actually goes downhill from this point on till mid may...go figure.....my shrink once told me that most suicides take place in the spring after I complained to him of my sinking into the darkness of depression.....I need to schedule with Tima.....these nightmares or not being able to tell if it is a dream or reality seems to be getting worse....can't sleep in my bed....rarely sleep more than two hours and am greatly fatigued....afraid if the depression comes back full steam I won't make it to summer....and I will get it right this time.......My salvation is.......Family

-11 am.....Watched an incredible movie this evening, A Beautiful Mind. I then went here on the internet and looked up John Nash and got a chill. I got a chill not because I thought I was a genius but because I have lived through what he lived through in a sense. I have lost at least 15 years of my life to clinic depression, ptsd, dissociative identity disorder and manic depression. At this point in my life I am for once not on some type of drug trying to alter my state or trying to bring me back to society. I even went down the road to ECT trying to regain what had left me and in the process even lost more. I have blank spots that breach years. I still do not sleep well and have trouble distinguishing my dreams from reality but I am functioning. And somehow my family has not deserted me, even though I don't know why not. Makes me wonder what has been the point of my life. What is my legacy. Has my life been an inscrutable blip

I would like to think of this as a light flickering and then establishing a connection and shining brightly. Seen that somewhere probably on a televison show or the like. What I want to impart is the feeling of life coming back to what might of been seen as a tragic ending. We had a chinook here a few days ago. Went from -5 to +42 in the matter of hours, which from another part of the country might not seem that big of a deal. In Alaska it is a big deal, expecially after suffering or enduring a lenghty spell of -30. Weather in Alaska is always interesting. You live, work, travel and play with weather always an issue. You misjudge or take lightly the weather you court serious or deadly consequences. Strange occurance here....sometimes it can be too cold to travel in the winter and sometimes it can be too warm. Roads upon warming from a deep cold will take on a coat of ice that can be nearly as dangerous as rain falling on a frozen road. Traveling on roads at -20 is far safer than roads at +20. The ice on roads at cold weather ie -20 has broken up and disappeared from the surface. Upon the warming the roads will change color to white from black signifying the reformation of ice again. Stop.....things that I am fervent about....weather....plants.....animals the internet and Apple computers. Can I put those in order of importance......no....each is integral to the other in my life or thoughts. We are all basically animals yet we humans lose sight of our roots and think we are above having links to the real world. In essence we are striving for the same things as a wolf.....shelter companionship and food.....wish I could solve all the ills of the world but who am I to say what is good for me is good for you....Democrats think they are right.......Republicans think they are right.....and the list seems to be endless......but they all have same requirements in the end.....food shelter companionship.....somewhere we got stupid and forgot we are animals.....we need to feel the weather.....touch a leaf....hold a handful of earth.....take a walk in natures setting and marvel at all the wonders that we take for granted..... yes we are a creature of higher intellect but our roots are in the land and seas of this world......and remember we are not alone here....how do your actions in everything affect even in a miniscule way someone else or something else......+6 am.....sunrise heralding a new day.....8 hours of daylight heading toward the vernal equinox next month.....my office window faces the east, which I feel blessed with, for my favorite part of the day is the morning.....with the dawn there is hope